To Embrace The Last of Fall Before It Leaves
Yeah, yeah… we’ve all had the “you’re a brain trapped in a meatsuit” existential crisis. And yes, the idea of germs freaks everyone out (except middle school boys, for some reason). But there are so many things that are not scary enough, and since it's “spooky season”, here are a few terrifying facts to haunt your nightmares this fall. [Disclaimer: I’m sorry in advance…]
You know the eight-legged creatures that sit in the corner planning your demise? Well there are many more of them than you might think. In fact, there are about 131 spiders for every 11 square feet of land. To put that into perspective, there are roughly 10 quadrillion spiders in the WORLD (yeah i didn’t know that was a number either). That ratio means there are a million spiders for every one human on the planet. So the next time you’re feeling alone, just remember you're not…
Speaking of creatures, even the cute and cuddly ones are dangerous. As huggable as they look, raccoons are among the most common carriers of rabies in America. That’s usually not a problem as long as everyone keeps their paws to themselves, but what if you do come into contact with rabies?
Scientists have spent much time and effort coming up with ways to combat this zombie-like terror of a disease, and many of them work if you get to a doctor in time. However, once the symptoms of rabies start showing, you have a nearly 0% chance of survival. Next time you see a cute critter, think twice before reaching out. Zombies should stay where they belong: in Spirit Halloween stores.
Okay, okay all my facts are about animals…WRONG! Fun fact: our sun - yeah the thing Earth and a handful of other planets orbit - is running out of fuel. When the sun runs out of fuel it will start to die. So will everything on earth. Don’t worry it’s not immediate, your summer tan isn’t in danger yet; but if you’re immortal I'd start looking for other places to live in the next few billion years. Or at least invest in some good winter clothing.
Okay back to earth. If you look at a globe, you’ll probably notice that a lot of it is covered in this magical substance called water. It’s not called the Blue Planet for no reason. About 70% of the earth’s surface is covered by the ocean. But only 30% of the blue has been mapped. And only 0.001% of the deep ocean, the places way under, have been seen by explorers. Next time you feel like it’s a small world because you ran into your dentist at Walmart, just remember how much of our Blue Planet is a mystery to us.
Oh, by the way, you know your phone, the thing you’re most likely using to read these words right now…? You will spend about 2,000 hours staring at it this year. 2,000 hours out of the year isn’t too bad considering that it only amounts to about 5 hours a day, but the scary fact is when you zoom out a little bit.
Kids born right now are estimated to spend about twenty-one YEARS of their lives staring at their phones.
Yeah, maybe go touch some grass…or don’t because there will definitely be a few spiders (see terrifying fact #1)
Okay back to the whole “brain trapped in a meatsuit” thing i mentioned earlier. Yes all the thinking happens up there in the gooey mush trapped in your skull. I guess middle school anatomy classes desensitized us to that concept and now we just shrug our meaty shoulders and think about something else. But the really weird thing is that our bones are wet. Yeah. Wet bones. In fact there’s a whole branch of anatomical science that studies bone hydration. So the next time you say something’s bone dry…just remember that yours aren’t.
Fear not, the facts have come to an end, for now. Sit back, relax, and turn off your phone. Maybe you'll earn back one of the 21 years you’ll spend with it. Instead, cozy up to one of the 10 spiders likely to be in the same room as you, and be glad you’re not in the unexplored depths of the ocean. Just make sure you don't contract rabies, or you won’t live to see the sun die. Maybe just close your eyes, take a deep breath, and let your moist bones rest.
